Harry Potter And The Curse Of The Mary Sue
by crimsonpuddle
Summary: Mary-Sue goes to Hogwarts. A parody of all those 'Mary-Sue At Hogwarts' 'fics out there. Parody/crack!Fic of book 1, shipping Harry/Mary-Sue and Ron/Hermione. Spoilers for PS. One-shot. -- Beware, the clichés start here -- And so, their tale begins...


**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, and I don't own the concept of a Mary-Sue. I do own this particular Mary-Sue though, along with those other two self-insert-like girls who no one cares about.**

A/N: A very over-the-top parody of all those self-insert and Mary-Sue 'fics out there. I wrote it a while ago and found it again, fine tuned it a bit, and here you go. Enjoy.

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**Harry Potter And The Curse Of The Mary-Sue**

One bright, sunny morning in the middle of June, Mary-Sue Smith was just finishing her bowl of museli and was about to open her first birthday present, when something small, round and furry came zooming through the window. It landed on the table in front of her with a loud CRASH. Mary-Sue's foster parents looked up interestedly - her real parents had died when she was a child, and she'd had a very troubled childhood because of this.

"Is that an owl?" her mother asked curiously. Mary-Sue, seeing that the thing was, indeed, an owl, noticed an envelope attached to the bird's right claw. She took off the letter and opened the envelope, ignoring the bird as it flew back out of the open window. It was a letter from Hogwarts School Of Witchcraft And Wizardry!

Mary-Sue's foster mother told her immediately that she couldn't go, being muggles, and having no wish for their precious foster daughter to go to such a place. They were very over-protective. After a long fight, in which nothing was solved, Mary-Sue decided she would have to run away from home. Mary-Sue saw the need to only pack a few items of clothing and her £10 pocket money, but somehow survived living on the streets for a good number of weeks.

After a few days living rough - in which Mary-Sue encountered many pointless trials and problems that strengthened her and made her a much better person - Mary-Sue went to her best friend's house. Her best friend was called Gary-Stu; she had never fit in with the girls of her age, and was outcasted because of this (despite being only eleven). But Gary-Stu had always been kind to her, despite her hard upbringing, and both of them knew they would eventually end up together.

Gary-Stu let Mary-Sue stay with his family until September, when Mary-Sue - still just eleven years old - made her way to Diagon Alley, bought her supplies with an inheritance of one million Galleons she received from God-knows-where, and boarded the train to Hogwarts.

Mary-Sue, not being able to find anybody to sit with, ended up on her own in a carriage at the back of the train. She always knew she would be an outcast here. She angst-ed for a bit, but then another girl entered the carriage. These two - Mary-Sue and Trixannabellia Hewiletta - would soon become best friends. They talked together for ages, then found that they were at Hogwarts already. The inexplicably attractive girls quickly got changed and left the train, and then she was led to a fleet of boats by a half-giant. Mary-Sue, being extraordinarily clever, was unsurprised by this, and assured Trix (which was Trixannabellia's nickname, as Mary-Sue couldn't be bothered to keep saying the girl's full name) that everything was fine.

Mary-Sue shared a boat with Trix and another girl called Lorna, who was quite boring looking, but (being the incredibly sweet girl Mary-Sue was) the three became best friends after half a minute. They sailed up to the magnificent castle, but Mary-Sue's attention was on another boat, in which a black-haired boy had just turned around and caught her eye. As soon as she saw Harry Potter, despite _still_ being only eleven, she felt her heart beat faster, and she blushed a deep crimson red.

"Who's that?" she asked Trix in a hushed whisper.

"That's Harry Potter." said Trix gleefully.

"He's cute." said Mary-Sue.

"You're only eleven!" said Lorna scandalously, but Mary-Sue shrugged. She had always been very mature for her age.

"I wonder if he'd go out with me?" she mused aloud.

"Of course he will, you're Mary-Sue!" giggled Trix, and the two laughed sickeningly. Lorna, despite being the most mature, giggled too, as the three of them always did everything together.

In next to no time at all, the best friends found themselves at the front of the Great Hall, being sorted into Houses. All three of them were miraculously sorted into Gryffindor, even though none of them belonged there.

Over the next few months, lessons were taught, homework was (not) completed, and some other random stuff happened that Mary-Sue didn't particularly care about, so the author considered unimportant. Mary-Sue was loved by everyone, including all the teachers - even the evil Professor Snape, who hated everyone, was proud of her work. She got into a lot of trouble, along with Trix and Lorna, but they never had to face the consequences, as everyone adored them so much. Mary-Sue out-smarted Hermione Granger in every lesson, she was much prettier than any other girl in the year (despite getting beaten up numerous times by the older students, who were very jealous of her) and was somehow made a chaser on the Gryffindor Quidditch team - an almost impossible feat for a first-year, matched only by Harry Potter, who became seeker.

But Mary-Sue wasn't happy. She saw Harry Potter almost every day, but never got up the courage to talk to him. In October, she decided she must be in love - but as she was now eleven years old and four months, this was perfectly acceptable. To compensate for the fact that she wasn't with Harry, she set up his best friends, Hermione and Ron, hoping to impress him. Harry didn't notice, but Ron and Hermione became a very happy couple.

It was November when she finally ignored her friends' advice and decided to talk to Harry. She admitted that she fancied him, but he rejected her, and she ran off screaming.

However, she didn't give up. After Christmas, which she spent at home with her foster-parents, Mary-Sue vowed to make Harry Potter love her, whatever it took. She even found a way to make a very complex love potion which not even Professor Snape could master fully, but decided that this wasn't the best way to get Harry to love her, and instead merely threw the potion away.

More lessons happened, more homework was given, and Mary-Sue was beaten up a couple more times (though she once again managed to escape unscathed). In February, just in time for Valentine's Day, Professor Dumbledore announced that there would be a special Ball on February 14th - even though this had never happened before and would never happen again, what with it being such a ridiculous idea. Mary-Sue struggled to find a date, for all the boys were too intimidated to ask her.

One day, Harry, feeling sorry for her, asked her to the ball. She said yes immediately, and the two became a couple.

Satisfied with this development, the author decided nothing more had to happen, and skipped ahead five months to July, when the annual battle-against-Voldemort was scheduled.

Mary-Sue somehow knew everything that was going on, and realised that Harry was going to try to save the world. Because she was madly in love with him (but this was okay as she was now twelve years old), Mary-Sue accompanied Harry, Ron and Hermione down the trapdoor.

She went all the way through the challenges with Harry, and even reached the Mirror of Erised room with him, all thanks to a small extra bottle in the potions room labelled 'deus-ex-machina'. She found that she now had the power to stop Voldemort, but it would mean risking her own life.

"I can't do it, Harry!" she said at the crucial moment, when she would have to give her life to kill Voldemort (since this potion somehow also destroyed all known Horcruxes created by the victim).

"I know you can, you're Mary-Sue!" said Harry lovingly, and Mary-Sue suddenly knew that she could, with Harry's support. The twelve year old kissed Harry one last time with passion, then clenched her eyes shut and simply touched Voldemort with her little finger. Voldemort disintegrated. Mary-Sue opened her eyes gingerly, but was astounded to find that she was still alive!

"You're alive!" cried Harry, and they kissed lovingly.

"Wow, I wonder why nobody tried using that potion before?" exclaimed Mary-Sue.

At that moment, Hermione, Ron, Trixannabellia, Lorna and Professor Dumbledore all fell around them through the massive plot hole in the ceiling. They all congratulated Mary-Sue, and used Fawkes to get out of the dungeon.

Gryffindor won the House cup, Mary-Sue was finally accepted into society, her and Harry Potter got married, and nobody in the entire world questioned the fact that a twelve-year-old just saved the world, or the strange 'deus-ex-machina' bottle, or the fact that Mary-Sue's 'future-husband' hadn't been seen since paragraph five, or any of the mysterious black holes that had appeared in the world. Only Mary-Sue knew why the plot-holes were there, but she had made a promise to herself years ago that she would take that secret to her death.

And they all lived happily ever after.

The End.

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A/N: Spot the clichés! I found at least 40, including all the writing clichés. I'm just hoping all of them were intentional and not accidental... =S Well, I hope you didn't find that a _total_ waste of time.


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